I am feeling both rejuvenated and shattered if that’s at all possible. No, it’s not because we have been inundated with customers since announcing our July offer (£50 of John Lewis vouchers for every order received over £750. This cannot be used in conjunction with any other offer by the way!).
No, my new lease of life stems from ditching the family for the weekend and scarpering off to Edinburgh. My exhaustion is down to two words. Hen night. Now considering the bride to be is a shy, quietly spoken, early-to-bed type, it wasn’t half racy. The minute I stepped into the chief bridesmaid’s hotel room and spotted the ‘novelty’ straws in a pint glass, I sensed a serious case of ‘do or die’. The hen’s friends, it turns out, are nothing like the hen and any assumptions I’d made about my peaceful weekend away were shattered.
For example:
1. I believed I would be in bed hours before 2am after avoiding that third bottle of prosecco. Wrong.
2. I assumed we definitely wouldn’t be woken at silly o’clock the following morning before
popping out for a burlesque dancing lesson. Wrong.
3. As one of the older members of the 20-strong crowd, I gathered I would be treated with a little more dignity than having to don nipple tassels and slink around in fishnets. Wrong.
4. I was certain I would NOT be touching naked men’s bottoms. Right (damn it!)
As the evening plunged into pandemonium I could feel the panic setting in. There were games being organised and forfeits to be done. Audience participation was imminent and I wanted to run a mile. But just as I headed for the door to not smoke that cigarette that I didn’t have in my pocket (my get out clause), two naked butlers strolled in with just an apron to cover their modesty. Cue hysteria. We were trapped rats on a raunchy ship and as I really wasn’t up for drowning, I stayed onboard. Swerving all eye contact I hid myself amongst the pack, laughing along when required. Forget that time I almost died at sea on the big banana, forget staying in the most haunted hotel ever, forget the Ghost Train at Blackpool, this was THE most frightening night of my life. And then some.
I won’t bore you with the finer details, all you need to know is I survived. When I finally stepped into my house I felt like Bruce Willis in one of those films where he saves the world. A half grin, a wistful look. Maybe this was my only chance in life to feel like a true hero. Facing up to one’s fears should always be applauded, whether we’re talking big bad bears, or butlers. Naked ones.